Sunday, April 08, 2007

A Mother Can Think Only At Night

Here in the dark, with my 2 month old by my side, talking to angels in his sleep, I have a moment of clarity. Be it brief and ever-fleeting; it is a moment. If you are a mother, or anyone who is ADHD, ADD, bi-polar, etc., you can appreciate the deliciousness of a single moment of clarity.
The problem is that in one moment it is impossible to funnel down all of the disposed thoughts, feelings, and desires, into one crystallized page in my brain that I am able to take in and digest. And so, those thoughts, desires, and feelings are on pulverize in my brain blender until they become the lack-of-focus-smoothie that makes my children have to say, "Mommy, don't you remember...?", and, "Mommy, hurry up...!", and "Mommy, I need..."
Perhaps my artwork is the only way to represent the craziness that is me. It has definitely taken a turn towards distraction and sensory overload: colors, layers, rubbings, tearings, those things all represent me.
I don't even know if it is possible to have that serenity of old. I often have dreams of moving to the country to raise my children away from the whir of modernity, but I feel certain that something would find us and pull us back. After all, it is my dream, and children dream their own.
So maybe there is a way to slow down in this move to Kuwait. A chance to have help with the mundane. A chance to relish family. A chance to sleep in, or stay up without too much penalty. Or it could be that I am just trading in my American smoothie for a Kuwaiti fruit cocktail?


BLaSha said...

I am sorry.... But, do you eva think of hurting yer baby? Jus thoughts?

Jewaira said...

Enjoy every moment. It may seem as though you are in a maternal whirlwind now but kids grow up very fast. Being there for them is what matters.

Blasha why do you keep asking that question?

Carly said...

Thanks Jewaira. I will. I made a choice to give up my job to raise my children. I wouldn't have had it any other way! ADD is just part of me. :) Blasha, very strange indeed. Unless, you are reaching out for help?